It'll be okay
by B2017
Summary: Fletch decides to try and talk to Jac about what's going on.


She hadn't even realised what was happening, not until it was too late. It had snuck up on her while she'd been too busy trying to bury her head in the sand, pretending she'd done the right thing because it was what was best for Emma. That was what being a mother was all about, wasn't it? She'd done what she knew was right for her daughter without even really knowing she was doing it at the time. Now, sat on the floor in her office trying to stop the tears rolling down her cheeks she took a small bit of comfort in knowing she'd done the right thing. Emma didn't need to be there and watch her fall apart. No child should have to see that.

It was for that reason really, or at least that was what she was telling herself, that she'd stopped answering Jonny's calls and messages. The first few weeks she'd spoken to Emma on the phone almost everyday. Although Jac had been the one to make the final decision that her daughter should go to Edinburgh to live with her father, it didn't make listening to her daughter's excitement about her life with her father and the new baby any easier, Instead she'd found herself making excuses not to answer the phone, claiming she was about to go in to theatre or some other kind of emergency. Jonny had left her a few less than kind voicemails calling her an unfit mother amongst other things. It had just reinforced the problem. She certainly wasn't going to call him back now, she didn't need to hear it all again.

She sucked in a deep, shaky breath trying to calm herself down. She wiped roughly at her face with her sleeve to dry her face, though she knew it would be red and blotchy and give her away if anyone was brave enough to enter her office. She forced herself up off the floor, her legs protesting at the movement. She'd been sat on the floor long enough that her feet had all but gone numb. The stack of work sitting on her desk made her want to crawl right back down on to the floor, but she forced herself to sit in her chair and at least think about tackling some of her paperwork. It was late, the lighting on the ward was dim and all the admin staff had gone home. She could hear a couple of nurses chatting quietly outside the door, but the usual hustle and bustle of the ward had long since died down.

Her eyes wandered briefly to Kian's desk. He'd long since given up trying to talk to her. These days, when they did speak to each other it was because they had no other choice and it was about a patient, even then it usually ended up in some kind of argument. She'd spent years being in charge, no one had ever dared to argue with her. She wasn't entirely sure what she'd expected to happen when she'd stepped back from being Clinical Lead. She'd known at the time that sooner or later something had to give. She couldn't keep up this kind of work load and be a good mother to Emma. She'd given up Clinical Lead to try and salvage things with her daughter, without thinking through what having to work under Kian would actually mean. But now, with Emma gone, she needed the distraction at work and that had been taken away from her to. She'd expected Kian to struggle, at least a bit, but in actual fact he'd filled her shoes and then some. People liked him too, that was what bothered her. They never hesitated to come and ask him a question, he'd got that whole easy going and approachable management style down to a tee. Everyone was happier with him in charge, she wasn't blind. She could see it on the ward every day. It left her with some rather uncomfortable questions about where exactly she fit in to this new dynamic that she didn't really want to address any time soon. She grabbed a folder full of letters that were awaiting her signature off the top of the pile on her desk and opened them, grabbing a pen.

She didn't get too far, she'd had an attention span shorter than Emma's the last few weeks, which would've been really quite impressive had it not made it quite so difficult to do her job. She'd signed two letters and she'd been sat there over an hour. She kept having to read and re-read the same paragraph over and over again, completely unable to take the words in. She jumped out of her skin when the door to her office swung open, hitting the wall with a bang.

"Does no one in this place ever bother to knock?" She snapped, looking up from the letter expecting to find a cleaner.

Instead she was met with a slightly confused looking Fletch. "Sorry, it's late and the lights were off. I wasn't expecting you to be here."

"Well I am." She clarified, looking at him expectantly when he made absolutely no attempt to leave.

"I can see that." He nodded. "What are you doing here this late anyway?"

"What does it look like I'm doing, Fletch?" She sighed. The whole reason she'd stayed this late to do this was to avoid having to interact with anyone else. "What do you want?"

He was either completely oblivious to the fact she was trying to get rid of him, or just chose to ignore it. He closed the office door behind him and sat down at her desk opposite her. "I was coming to leave this on your desk." He explained, sliding a bit of paper across the desk towards her.

She took the bit of paper, minutes from another dull meeting she'd attended the other week that she had no intention of reading. She added them to the growing pile on her desk and looked back at him. "I'm not sure that required you to sit down."

The tone of her voice would've sent most people running, she'd spent years perfecting it, and yet it had never worked on Fletch. He just raised an eyebrow at her. "No, but I am getting on a bit. It's a long way back to my office you know." He joked.

She rolled her eyes at him. "Well if you're quite done…" She motioned towards the door.

"Alright, you got me." He held his hands up in mock surrender. "I thought maybe we could talk?" He braced himself for the biting retort that was sure to come. There was a reason no one had actually been brave enough to try and talk to Jac, despite the fact everyone on the ward had noticed something was up.

"Do we really have to do this, Fletch?" She sighed, looking down at her desk to avoid meeting his eye. "Shouldn't you be with Ange or something?" She was unable to hide the slight bitterness in her voice as she said Ange's name.

He decided to ignore her comment about Ange, he knew Jac well enough that she was trying to draw him into a fight so he'd leave her alone. "What is this exactly?"

She looked up, met his eyes for only a second before she looked away again. "This." She muttered. "This whole thing where you pretend like you give a shit. It's getting boring."

"I'm not pretending." He had to stop himself from raising his voice. "i'm worried about you Jac, I care. Talk to me."

She went quiet for a moment, he braced himself waiting for her to kick him out for overstepping the line. "Why?" Her voice was so quiet he had to strain to hear her. "So you can end up hating me like the rest of them?"

"No one hates you Jac." He said softly, extending his hand across the table towards her. She quickly snatched it back out of reach. "What's going on?"

She placed her hand in her lap, staring down at it as her eyes filled with tears. She should've kicked him out the moment he set foot in the office. It was always going to lead to trouble, she'd never been good at keeping her defences up around him. She took a deep breath, but didn't lift her head to look at him. "I'm fine." She said, making an effort to stop her voice from wavering. She'd gotten good at it, said it so many times a day at the moment she'd lost count.

He didn't say anything, sitting there in silence for so long that she was forced to look up to see if he was actually still there. Looking up had been a mistake though, the tears she'd been holding back spilled down her cheek as she lifted her head. Fletch didn't say anything, just plucking a tissue from the box on her desk and handing it to her.

They sat there for a moment in silence, Fletch watching her warily as she wiped her face and took a couple of deep breaths trying to get some kind of control over her emotions. He'd be lying if he said it didn't freak him out a bit, seeing the great Jac Naylor like this. He'd never seen her show even a tiny bit of vulnerability, not until these last couple of months. That's what had made the change in her so noticeable.

"You know, I'll sit here all night if I have to." He said softly.

"It's fine, Fletch." She sighed. "You should go home."

"I'm not going anywhere. You should know that by now." He smiled.

He was right, as much as she hated to admit it. A hell of a lot had happened over the past year or so, and he'd been the constant throughout all of it. He'd been there every time to pick her up off the floor and put her back together, even after she'd successfully managed to push everyone else away. He'd been right there with her. Fletch and Sasha, they'd both been there, every time. But Sasha had enough going on in his life without her adding to it. She hadn't known how to talk to Fletch, he was happy with Ange and she wasn't his problem.

"So…." Fletch said when she still said nothing. "I wasn't joking when I said I'm not leaving Jac… We can sit here all night if you want but we've both got to work tomorrow and you don't want to be stuck with me all day when I've had no sleep. Trust me."

"I…." She mumbled, looking down at her hands again. "I don't know." She admitted.

Fletch nodded encouragingly when she finally looked at him.

"I just don't know." She mumbled. "I just… I just don't feel like…. Like me."

"You don't seem like you." He agreed. "We haven't had any terrified junior doctors trying to quit on us for weeks." His attempt at a joke fell flat, she cringed at his words.

"No, everyone's much happier with Kian in charge. He's great at it. Jonny's a better parent to Emma than I'll ever be… I mean what am I even doing here?"

"Jonny been giving you grief?" He asked, picking up on the way she frowned as she said his name.

Jac nodded. "Worlds worst mother right here." She smiled weakly, trying to joke.

"What you did… letting Emma go and be with Jonny. I know I didn't think you were doing the right thing in the start, but doing what's right for Emma even though its the hardest thing for you. That's the definition of being a good parent, Jac."

"I've been avoiding Emma's calls." Jack told him miserably, her eyes filling with tears again. God this was embarrassing, she'd spent years making sure to hide any trace of emotion or feelings from anyone she worked with and now here she was, having a meltdown on Adrian Fletcher of all people.

"How long since you last spoke to her?" He asked.

"Three weeks." Jac whispered. "I just… I can't… She's so happy without me. I can't keep hearing about how wonderful life is with Daddy and the new baby. I mean I'm glad she's happy but I don't need reminding every five minutes how much better Jonny is at this than me."

"I know me saying this doesn't help, but you've done what you think is best for Emma. That's all anyone can ask. It will get easier."

The tears were rolling freely down her cheek now and she made no attempt to stop them. "I can't keep doing this Fletch." She sobbed. "I feel like… like I'm drowning. I can't do it anymore."

He was round the desk in an instant, his arms around her before she could even contemplate pushing him away. He was fairly sure last time he'd hugged her she'd told him in no uncertain terms she'd kill him if he ever did it again, but surely that didn't apply in these circumstances? She didn't fight him this time.

"It's okay. You don't have to do it on your own. It's going to be okay." He found himself repeating the words over and over again, unsure if it was for his benefit or hers, as he held her tightly. "It's going to be okay Jac, I promise."


End file.
